I faked an abortion last night.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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