i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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