oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
