Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize