PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
