morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
