Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
