You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
