My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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