remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
