So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
