My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
