i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
