Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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