I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
