The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
