We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
