It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
