I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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