when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
