We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
