i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
