Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
