I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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