tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
