what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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