Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
did you just send me my own nude
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
