Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
