i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
