Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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