I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
