haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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