You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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