So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
