That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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