she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
