Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize