I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
