before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
