You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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