Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
