I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
