the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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