I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
