I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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