I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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