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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
