You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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