I could have mohawked her pubes.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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