Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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