i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
