God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
