he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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