mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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