we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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