I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
