I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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