i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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