she woke up with a sticky ear
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize