man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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