im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
