...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
