Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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