Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
