do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
