Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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