I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
