the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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